All My Secrets Page 7

  I pocket the article, avoiding looking directly at his handsome face. I feel too vulnerable to tell him the woman sounds like Irina, but perhaps I can explain just a little bit.

  ‘I think I might have seen her ghost,’ I stammer. ‘Outside, in the trees . . . running down to the rocks.’

  Kit wrinkles his nose. ‘Ghosts aren’t real, Evie,’ he says. ‘They’re just a stupid, made-up thing to frighten people with.’

  ‘You don’t know that,’ Anna says. She sits bolt upright, her cheeks flushing bright pink. ‘I . . . I believe in ghosts. When I was younger, I was certain my mum was watching over me.’

  Our eyes meet. Anna looks self-conscious but defiant, as if she’s used to people being sceptical.

  ‘I can understand that,’ I say.

  Anna nods.

  ‘What exactly did you see, Evie?’ Kit asks.

  I tell them both about the figure I saw outside, though I still can’t bring myself to explain that I think it might have been Irina.

  Kit shakes his head, but Anna leans forward, her eyes round with alarm. ‘It sounds just like the woman in the article,’ she says. ‘Wow, Evie, you’re being haunted; that’s so cool.’

  Am I? A chill creeps down my spine.

  I really want to explain to her about the connection with Irina, but, before I can find the words to do so, Pepper and Josh rush in, laughing, their faces glowing from the cold air outside.

  ‘Oh my days, we saw Buttockbreath on the way back, had to run the long way round to get here without her seeing,’ Pepper gasps.

  ‘She’s quite the speedster,’ Josh says admiringly, pointing at Pepper.

  In spite of my anxieties, I can’t help wondering if Josh likes her. It’s easy to see why a boy might. I’ve never met anyone quite like Pepper before: so open and forthright, so completely unconcerned with what people think of her.

  ‘What happened to you, Evie?’ she asks, flopping elegantly onto the sofa next to me. ‘One minute you were right behind us, the next you’d vanished.’

  ‘Yeah, we were worried you’d been taken by the same bogeyman who’s got Samuel,’ Josh adds with a chuckle.

  ‘It’s not funny,’ Kit says with a frown. ‘Samuel could be hurt.’

  ‘I thought maybe I saw him out on a rock past the trees, so I went to take a look.’ I avoid Kit’s gaze, but I can sense him looking at me. For some reason, I really don’t want to tell Pepper and Josh that Kit followed me, that we were out there together.

  ‘Oooh, not the dangerous rocks.’ Pepper widens her eyes theatrically. ‘Very daring, Evie.’

  ‘Well, we needn’t have worried, none of us,’ Josh says with a sigh. ‘We saw Samuel with Mr Lomax down by this big wooden hut thing at the other end of the island.’

  ‘That must be the boathouse,’ Kit says.

  ‘Yeah,’ Pepper says. ‘It’s like a smaller version of the one in our holiday home.’

  ‘You have a holiday home?’ Anna sounds awestruck.

  ‘My dad’s seriously rich,’ Pepper says in a bored, matter-of-fact voice. ‘He’s still an arse.’

  She sounds defiant, but I wonder if she really feels as unbothered as she’s making out. Even though I’m angry with Andrew, I don’t feel like Pepper clearly does. I can’t imagine what it must be like to despise your own father.

  ‘Was Samuel OK?’ Kit asks.

  Pepper shrugs. ‘He looked fine to us, but we didn’t hang around.’

  ‘Yeah, couldn’t wait to get back,’ Josh adds sarcastically.

  Outside the twilight deepens, the darkening sky spread with silver and orange swirls. After about half an hour, Miss Bunnock appears. She reassures us all that Samuel is fine after accidentally wandering too far from the house and getting lost and that he has been sent up to bed. It suddenly strikes me that maybe Samuel saw the same figure as me . . . that perhaps it spooked him into running off.

  ‘Is he really OK?’ I ask. ‘Can we see him?’

  Miss Bunnock frowns. ‘You’ll see him in the morning.’

  ‘He’ll be glad to know you care, Evie.’ Pepper grins.

  ‘It’s not that,’ I mumble, feeling embarrassed.

  ‘Anyway, it’s bedtime now,’ Miss Bunnock says.

  ‘No way.’ The grin falls from Pepper’s face. ‘Seriously, it’s not even properly dark yet.’

  ‘I know it seems early,’ Miss Bunnock says with a smile, ‘but you’ll get used to it.’

  ‘What if we refuse?’ Pepper asks, hands on hips.

  ‘I’m afraid that would mean Quiet Time tomorrow – and you’d still have to go to bed now.’

  Pepper opens her mouth as if she’s about to protest again.

  ‘Come on,’ I urge, tugging at her arm. ‘No point in kicking off unless it gets us to a party. Which sadly it won’t.’

  Pepper flashes me a smile and flounces up the stairs. The rest of us follow. I can hear Josh grumbling to Anna and Kit behind me, but I don’t look around until we reach the landing. I’m hoping I’ll be able to say goodnight to Kit, but he has already disappeared along the corridor to the boys’ bedroom.

  I follow Pepper and Anna into our room, feeling miffed. The girls don’t notice I’m a bit quiet. Pepper is full of moans about the early bedtime while Anna is still curious about the figure I saw in the woods. Her questions lead to a bigger conversation about whether spirits actually exist and if people and places can really be haunted. I feel for Anna, who is almost breathless in her certainty that it is possible.

  ‘I dunno.’ Pepper wrinkles her nose. ‘I mean, I like the idea of ghosts, but . . . you only saw what you saw for a second . . . and everyone says how there’s a weird light here that plays tricks on your eyes.’

  I chew on my lip, feeling irritated. Kit said something similar earlier. And while the light on the sea is kind of freaky, easily capable of casting strange shadows, I’ve seen the dark figure twice now and I’m sure I didn’t imagine either the red hat or the black coat. Suppose Irina was wearing those clothes on the day she died? Suppose she died here, on the island, after all? I can’t see how or why it’s even possible, but there was already a connection between her and Lightsea – maybe she came back here the day she died and Andrew and Uncle Gavin never knew.

  I clean my teeth and get into bed, determined to talk to Mr Lomax about it all tomorrow. I read the newspaper article one last time, then put it back in my sweatpants pocket. The lights go out on the dot of nine. Which, as Pepper says, is totally crazy. It’s not even fully dark yet. The others carry on chatting, but my thoughts drift to Kit. Does he like me? Is that why he followed me onto the rocks? If there is anyone here I feel I can talk to about serious stuff, it’s him. And yet, from his earlier attitude to ghosts, I’m certain that he would find the notion that my mother might be haunting me ridiculous.

  I reach under my pillow, curling my fingers around the soft, comforting satin of Irina’s ballet shoes. I’m never going to sleep for worrying about it all.

  Twelve

  I wake with a start to find Anna’s pale face hovering over mine.

  ‘We have to get up,’ she says, her eyes strained with anxiety. ‘Bunnock’s already been in twice. We have to do meditation in five minutes.’

  I groan, then roll over. ‘What time is it?’

  ‘Almost six-thirty. And don’t forget to make the bed, otherwise you’ll be doing Quiet Time.’

  I’m still clutching Irina’s ballet shoes. An image of the figure in the dark coat being pushed off Easter Rock flashes into my mind’s eye as I shove the shoes under my pillow. I stagger to the bathroom to splash some water on my face, weighed down with a sense of dread. Is Irina’s ghost haunting me? Was she somehow murdered on the island? If so, how come none of the accounts of her death even suggest that as a possibility?

  Pepper is reluctantly dragging on a pair of leggings as I return. Anna, looking worried, tugs her hair into a regulation hairband with fumbling fingers.

  ‘I don’t want to be late,’ she mutters.


  ‘Stupid rules about getting up early,’ Pepper grumbles. ‘Who cares?’

  ‘Please, Pepper,’ Anna pleads. ‘I don’t want any of us to get into trouble.’

  ‘Fine, I’m getting dressed,’ Pepper says with a sigh.

  I yank a sweatshirt over my head, still fretting about whether I can possibly have seen Irina’s ghost, and the three of us hurry downstairs just as the clock in the hallway strikes half six. Josh, Kit and Samuel are already in the hall. They all look up as we appear, though I notice that – just like yesterday – Samuel doesn’t make eye contact.

  Josh smiles. ‘Hey,’ he says. ‘Those beds are rubbish, aren’t they? I spent most of the night on the floor; it was softer.’

  Anna and Pepper giggle. I glance at Kit. He’s standing apart from the others, unsmiling. I sense an atmosphere between him and Josh, as if they aren’t speaking to each other. Then Samuel coughs and I remember that he went missing yesterday . . . and wonder again if maybe he saw my ghost.

  ‘Are you OK, Samuel?’ I ask.

  ‘I’m fine,’ he says. ‘Er, Mr Lomax says I should apologise for worrying everyone.’

  ‘No need, man, you’ve already said sorry about ten times.’ Josh grins. ‘We weren’t that worried about you.’

  ‘Good. That’s good,’ Samuel says earnestly.

  Pepper, Anna and I laugh. Even Kit allows himself a tiny smile.

  ‘What made you run off?’ I ask, my chest tightening. Suppose Samuel did see the dark figure in the red hat. It’s funny, but standing here, waiting for an answer, I’m kind of hoping he didn’t. Despite the fact that Samuel seeing the ghost would help prove I wasn’t imagining things, I’d rather have my ghost to myself. If Irina’s spirit is on the island, I want it to be haunting me, not random strangers.

  Which is totally crazy.

  ‘I didn’t run off,’ Samuel says, pushing his glasses up his nose. ‘I just went out to see if there were any killer whales in the sea.’

  I stare at him blankly. Is he joking? ‘Killer whales?’

  ‘Yes. Did you know killer whales can swim at almost thirty miles per hour?’ Samuel asks. ‘That’s very fast.’

  ‘Hello, everyone.’ All eyes turn to Mr Lomax standing silently at the far end of the hallway. He is dressed in faded jeans and a thin grey jumper with fraying cuffs. He smiles at us, his hand smoothing his high forehead. ‘This way, please.’

  We follow him into the wooden-floored room that Pepper, Josh and I found during yesterday’s explorations. I chew on my lip, wondering how I can ask Mr Lomax about Irina. I’m certainly not going to do it in front of everybody. A strange silvery light floods in from the large windows. It’s misty outside, the tops of the distant trees hidden by white cloud.

  ‘Sometimes it almost feels like we’re in another world, doesn’t it?’ Mr Lomax says gently, following my gaze. ‘Everyone, please take a mat and sit down.’

  We each find ourselves a blue mat and, at Mr Lomax’s instruction, arrange them in a circle on the floor. Pepper and I keep catching each other’s eyes and giggling – the whole thing seems so silly. Kit sits down quietly under the window, but Josh flops onto the mat next to mine with a sigh.

  ‘Nightmare,’ he mutters under his breath.

  I nod. Pepper positions herself on his other side, then looks horrified as Mr Lomax takes the mat next to hers. I look away to stop myself from laughing out loud. Samuel sits between Mr Lomax and Kit, with Anna between Kit and me.

  Anna looks even paler than she did upstairs. I suddenly remember that she said yesterday she was dreading our meditation sessions. Well, I know what it’s like to feel anxious. I still have a knot in my stomach over the dark figure from the woods and the newspaper article.

  Truth is that Pepper and Josh might be funnier and Kit is, well, insanely hot, but out of everyone here I feel a particular bond with Anna because of our mothers. I reach across and pat her arm.

  ‘I’m sure it won’t be that bad,’ I whisper, while Mr Lomax busies himself lighting a candle in front of his mat.

  She nods gratefully. ‘Thanks, Evie.’

  ‘Yeah, I bet you love it,’ Kit whispers softly on her other side, with a smile that makes his eyes twinkle and his face more gorgeous than ever. ‘It’s really not hard, just go with it.’

  Anna beams at him and I felt a sudden, sick lurch of jealousy. Does Anna like him? Does he like her back?

  ‘I’m not going to say too much this morning,’ Mr Lomax says, his deep voice filling the empty room. I tear myself away from Anna and Kit to look at him. He seems tired; there are shadows under his eyes and his face looks even more lined than it did yesterday.

  ‘Welcome to Lightsea and I hope you had a good first night.’ His eyes rest for a moment on Samuel, then he clears his throat. ‘This is how we will begin each morning – by giving ourselves an opportunity to step back from the cares and concerns of the day.’

  I glance at Pepper.

  ‘Insane hippy alert,’ she mouths, raising her eyebrows.

  I press my lips together to stop myself from laughing again.

  ‘Now I already know that some of you have done a little mindfulness meditation before, but most of you haven’t, so we’ll save our discussion for afterwards. I’d like you to make yourselves comfortable by lying down on the mats, then close your eyes.’

  Once I’m horizontal on the mat with my eyes shut, I try to focus on Mr Lomax’s soothing voice. He instructs us to ‘feel the pressure’ of our weight ‘sinking down into the mat’, then to become gradually aware of our physical presence. ‘Let your mind focus on your toes, your calves, your knees . . .’ He takes us through the whole body, then asks us to concentrate on our breathing, counting silently to ten, then starting again. ‘If your mind wanders off, just bring it back to the breath.’

  I can’t hold my mind on my breath at all. Every time I reach three or four, I’m off thinking about Irina again. I don’t feel like laughing any more, the meditation is too frustrating. Plus, it seems to go on forever. At last, it’s over and Mr Lomax encourages us to ‘become aware again’ of our bodies and all our senses, then open our eyes.

  I look around. How did everyone else find it? Kit seems very still and peaceful, but Josh has a bored expression on his face, while Pepper is fidgeting like mad.

  ‘How was that?’ Mr Lomax asks.

  No one speaks for a second.

  ‘Great,’ Kit says.

  ‘Amazing.’ That’s Anna. I turn, surprised by the vehemence with which she’s spoken. Her eyes are lit up, the brightest of blues, and the sunlight through the window makes her mousy curls shine like pure gold, softly framing her delicate features. My heart sinks. I’m pleased she’s got something out of the mediation, but there’s no way I can compete with looks like hers.

  ‘Amazing how?’ Mr Lomax enquires.

  ‘Like I was there, but also watching myself,’ Anna says, her voice as animated as her face. ‘It was so peaceful, just brilliant.’

  ‘Good, that’s wonderful.’ Mr Lomax smiles. He gazes around the group. ‘But not to worry if it didn’t feel like that for all of you. Mindfulness meditation is always a fresh experience and sometimes it brings up things that trouble us deeply.’ His eyes rest on me and, for a second, it feels like he can tell exactly what is bothering me. I am more determined than ever to speak to him, to find out what he knows about Irina. ‘I’m always here if any of you need to talk . . . about anything.’

  A few minutes later, after both Pepper and Josh say that they found the meditation really hard and – in Pepper’s case – utterly pointless and I haven’t spoken at all, Mr Lomax sends us off for breakfast. I hang back, waiting until everyone else has left. Mr Lomax walks over.

  ‘Are you all right, Evie?’ he asks.

  I look up into his kindly brown eyes. There is something about the warmth of his manner that reminds me of my dad and that, plus my anxiety about whether I saw Irina’s ghost yesterday, suddenly makes me feel like crying.

  ‘I’m OK,’
I say, holding back my tears. ‘I just need to ask you about something.’

  ‘Very well.’ Mr Lomax leads me along the corridor to his office. I wait as he unlocks the door then follow him into a gloomy, square room. An overloaded bookshelf lines the far wall. A row of filing cabinets stand opposite. There are two desks, each covered with paper. The desk nearest the door also holds a computer and – I notice – a landline phone.

  We sit down and Mr Lomax leans forward, a frown creasing his forehead.

  ‘What would you like to ask me, Evie? Is it something about the meditation?’

  ‘No.’ I hesitate, unsure how to begin. ‘My uncle told me that you . . . your parents knew my grandparents? That is, my real mother’s family: the Galloways.’

  A wary look crosses Mr Lomax’s face. ‘I believe that’s true,’ he says slowly.

  I gulp. ‘So do you remember meeting my mother – Irina Galloway – or my Uncle Gavin when you were little?’

  Mr Lomax shakes his head. ‘I’m sorry, Evie, but I don’t. The friendship was between the parents – and it wasn’t a long-lasting bond as far as I can tell. Once my mother died and my father moved to this island, he lost touch with almost everyone he’d been connected to beforehand.’

  My heart sinks. This is very much not what I’d been hoping for. ‘So you don’t think Irina ever came to Lightsea?’

  Mr Lomax looks away. I get the strong impression that he’s struggling with himself. Like there’s something that he wants to say, but doesn’t know how to express it.

  ‘I have no recollection of your birth mother at all,’ he says at last.

  What does that mean?

  ‘So could she have come here?’ I persist. ‘I mean, it’s possible, isn’t it?’

  Mr Lomax frowns. ‘Why are you asking, Evie?’

  I take a deep breath. If Mr Lomax is into alternative stuff like meditation, maybe he believes in ghosts too. I launch into an account of how I went outside to look for Samuel, stressing how worried I’d felt and glossing over the fact that Mr Lomax had asked us to stay indoors. I tell him about the dark figure with the red hat in the woods. Mr Lomax sits in silence, listening intently. Feeling encouraged, I show him the photocopy of the article that is still stuffed in my sweatpants pocket. I leave out nothing except the part where I nearly fell and Kit arrived and saved me. It isn’t fair to get Kit into trouble too.