Defy the Stars Read online

  James levelled his gaze at me. ‘Honestly, River?’ he said with a sigh. ‘I like Flynn a lot, but I think you two being in the same room again is a really bad idea.’

  ‘Why?’ I said.

  James shrugged. ‘It just is.’

  Surprised, I settled back against the wall and changed the subject back to summer festivals. Soon James and Grace were debating the various merits of the big name venues. I said very little, lost in my own thoughts. James and Grace were wrong to be so concerned about me seeing Flynn. And the fact that I felt that so strongly made it easy, finally, to decide: I would go to the wedding. I would see Flynn. That would be that.

  Having told Siobhan I was coming, I needed to get hold of two final things: a new dress and the best-looking date I could find.

  Acquiring the dress turned out to be fairly straightforward. I hadn’t bought anything new since the outfit I’d worn to our party last October, when Flynn and I had split up. Dad was only too delighted when I asked if I could do some additional chores at the commune in order to get some cash to pay for something new to wear. He even gave me a bit of extra money on top. I went shopping with Grace and found a pretty, dark red dress with a long, tight-fitting skirt that, I hoped, made my short legs look longer. Grace said it did, anyway. She was in a far better mood than when I’d seen her the other day, saying she had just decided she wanted to train as a primary schoolteacher after leaving sixth form at the end of next year. However, her face fell when I confided that I was buying the dress specifically to look good at Siobhan’s wedding.

  ‘Oh, Riv,’ she said, a deep frown creasing her forehead. ‘I know you say you’re over Flynn but . . . you wouldn’t go out with him again, would you? I mean . . . it would be crazy to go back.’

  I reassured her that I was only going to the wedding to support Siobhan, and that I only wanted to look my best out of respect for her.

  ‘Anyway,’ I said with a grin. ‘Everyone knows that weddings are a brilliant place to meet new people. Flynn won’t be the only guy in the room; I’ve got to look good.’

  This led to a lengthy conversation during which Grace tried to get me to consider practically every boy we knew as a potential boyfriend. I rejected them all as too boring, too weird or ‘just not right’, then went back to the commune to face another long talk with Dad. He told me that although he trusted me to know what was right for me, and was happy for me to go to Siobhan’s wedding, he was still worried that if I wasn’t careful, seeing Flynn might prompt me to ‘slip back’ into the misery of ‘those early days without him’.

  I couldn’t really blame Dad for worrying. He had been in the front row, watching helplessly as I fell apart immediately after my break-up with Flynn, when I stayed in bed and didn’t speak to anyone for a week.

  I listened to his warning, then told him, with total honesty, that there was no chance of me going back to the state I was in then. I tried to reassure Leo too, but with less success. He told me quietly he knew I still had feelings for Flynn, even if I denied them to myself. He also offered to come with me to the wedding. I said no, mostly for Leo’s sake. The last time the two of them had seen each other, Flynn had punched Leo, leaving him with a huge bruise on his face for days. I didn’t want to risk any repeat of that.

  Instead I set my sights on a date with Michael Greene, a tall, buff guy in the year above me – Flynn’s year – at college. He was so unlikely a choice as a proper boyfriend that he hadn’t even featured on Grace’s list. Still, he would be the perfect partner for a long day out when I needed someone attractive and easy-going on my arm. Michael wasn’t the smartest student academically but he was one of the nicest boys I’d ever met. He wanted to work with animals and already spent a lot of his spare time volunteering with the RSPCA. He knew that Leo and I lived on a commune with hens and sheep and had already asked me many times about the animals and how we cared for them, so after considering how to approach him for a few days, I invited him round to check out the new baby lamb.

  He was over the moon, really excited to see the lamb, overawed by the fact that I’d helped deliver it and full of questions for Dad, which Dad was only too delighted to answer. I explained carefully to Michael that I was looking for someone to come with me to the wedding . . . not as a date, but as a friend.

  Michael frowned, confusion in his soft brown eyes. ‘What about Leo?’ he said, in his deep, slow voice.

  I gulped. Clearly Michael, like most of our sixth form college, assumed that Leo and I were an item. I explained that it was Flynn’s sister getting married and that Flynn himself would be present. Michael, who knew Flynn from the time he’d spent with us at college last year, understood straight away.

  And so I was sorted. I’d cancelled my normal Saturday shift at the Rainbow Café, I’d got my dress and I had tall, hunky Michael Greene to stand beside me. Michael had even promised to wear a suit.

  The closer the wedding got, the calmer I felt. After all, I hadn’t seen Flynn for five months. We hadn’t spoken or written to each other in all that time. This meeting was simply going to be the final sign-off. I would probably never see him again afterwards. It would give me the only thing I still needed, something that the counsellor I saw last year had even suggested I should try to find, the ‘full stop’ at the end of the relationship.

  Of course I couldn’t help but feel a bit nervous on the morning of the wedding. Leo saw I was anxious and tried to talk to me, but I brushed aside his question, saying my nerves had nothing to do with seeing Flynn later, that I was just fretting about my exams starting at the end of the following week.

  It was another sunny day – crisp and cooler than we’d been having recently. I washed and dried my hair carefully, taking far more trouble than usual. Well, it was a wedding. I put on a dab of make-up, even applying some of the dark red lipstick which I’d bought to go with my new dress. I was wearing high heels and one of Gemma’s little black jackets over the dress.

  I checked myself out in the full-length bathroom mirror once I was ready. Not too bad. At least the dress suited my curvy shape, the shape of the skirt plus the heels definitely made my legs look longer – and there was a flush in my cheeks that gave my skin a glow I knew it hadn’t had for months.

  Dad raised his eyebrows as I walked into the kitchen.

  ‘Very sophisticated,’ he said with a smile. ‘I hope Michael knows how glamorous he needs to be to keep up with you.’

  I rolled my eyes. Since Michael’s visit a few weeks ago, Dad appeared to think we were now dating. I had decided not to correct this assumption. It would, surely, help Dad to face the idea of me seeing Flynn if he believed I was interested in another boy.

  The doorbell rang. Leo shouted out to say he’d let Michael in. Leo, of course, knew exactly why I’d asked Michael to be my date.

  The two of them appeared in the kitchen a few seconds later. They both stared at me.

  ‘Bit of a change from sweatpants,’ I said, feeling my face flush.

  ‘You look amazing,’ Michael said. He was, as he’d promised, dressed in a suit with a crisp white shirt and carefully waxed hair.

  ‘Looking good yourself,’ I grinned.

  Leo cleared his throat. ‘Nice dress, River,’ he said. He was smiling, but I could see the unhappiness in his eyes. Was he upset because I was going to see Flynn? Or because he thought I might be seriously interested in Michael Greene? Either way, it wasn’t the reaction of a person content just to be my friend.

  My heart sank. ‘Er, thanks,’ I said.

  ‘Time to go.’ Dad stood up. He’d offered a while back to drive Michael and me to the wedding.

  Leo disappeared upstairs. I watched him go, feeling concerned. A few minutes later, however, we were in the car and my thoughts turned to the wedding ahead. I took a few deep breaths, trying to calm the butterflies suddenly zooming around my stomach. It was just the prospect of meeting a bunch of strangers that was making me so nervous, I told myself. Nothing to do with seeing Flynn again. I remembered
Siobhan’s note about Flynn bringing a friend and felt relieved to have Michael at my side. I was sure it would be easy enough to be friendly with whoever Flynn was now going out with but the situation was definitely helped by my having my own date present.

  Dad and Michael talked all the way. Then Dad dropped us outside the church where people were milling about. I couldn’t spot anyone I knew, so Michael and I headed inside. The church was packed. Gary, Siobhan’s fiancé, was up at the front but there was no sign of Flynn.

  A lot of the people here were just a few years older than I was – and very dressed up in suits and dresses. Most of the girls were slim and pretty. I recognised a couple from the hair salon where Siobhan used to work. I smoothed the skirt of my dress down, hoping I didn’t look too bad in comparison.

  I could tell Michael felt a bit anxious too. He was fingering the collar of his shirt and there were beads of sweat on his forehead. For a moment, I wished I was here with Leo. At least he and I could have chatted about something to take our minds off the occasion. Michael and I didn’t really have much in common. He was studying science and business studies at college whereas I was doing arts subjects. Anyway, most of his conversations were about animals.

  ‘Are you okay?’ I asked.

  ‘Fine.’ He gave me a kind smile. ‘What about you? You seem . . . er, a little on edge.’

  ‘I’m good,’ I lied. ‘What about you?’

  Michael shrugged. ‘I’m just a bit hot,’ he admitted. ‘Sometimes I wish I could thermoregulate, like a dog.’

  ‘Right,’ I said, unsure exactly what he was talking about.

  We took a seat about halfway down the church, close to the aisle. I looked around. Flynn definitely wasn’t here. I couldn’t see any of Siobhan’s family, in fact.

  ‘So I forgot to ask your dad, how many eggs do the hens lay each week?’ Michael asked, flicking casually through the order of service that lay on the shelf in front of us.

  ‘It varies,’ I said, not really listening. I’d just caught sight of Flynn’s mum at the church door.

  At that moment the organ started up. Flynn’s mum started walking up the aisle. She stopped to chat to people along the way. When she came to me she beamed with delight.

  ‘River, I’m so happy you’re here,’ she said.

  ‘Hi.’ I smiled back, my nerves suddenly vanishing. It was lovely to see Flynn’s mum. I had always liked her and his sisters so much. I had been absolutely right to come here today. Flynn wasn’t an issue. Today wasn’t even about him. It was Siobhan and Gary’s moment. That was all that really mattered.

  I asked Flynn’s mum how she was, but before there was time for her to answer, the organ began playing the traditional wedding march and she scuttled off to take her seat. My heart surged with the joy of the occasion as I strained my eyes towards the back of the church, looking, along with everyone else, for the bride to appear.

  A cloud of white silk appeared in the doorway. Was that Siobhan? Two girls in pale green dresses were adjusting the silk. One of them looked about twenty, the other about eleven. They were both very pretty. I peered more closely at the younger girl. Was that Caitlin? The last time I’d seen Flynn’s younger sister she’d been dressed in a T-shirt and jeans, her short curly hair cut in a wild bob. She looked far older than I remembered, though surely less than a year had actually passed since I’d seen her.

  The two girls stood back and the white silk turned. Siobhan stood there, looking breathtakingly beautiful, her eyes shining with excitement. She turned to someone standing behind her. He was wearing a dark suit, his face masked by her veil. I held my breath. Surely it couldn’t be Siobhan’s dad all dressed up and ready to give his daughter away? He was a drunk who used to beat their mum and once attacked Flynn, leaving a long jagged scar on his shoulder. He wasn’t supposed to come near the family.

  I waited, watching, still holding my breath. And then the figure stepped forwards and, as he took his sister’s hand, I saw that it was Flynn.

  3

  It was him. It was really him, his dark hair longer than when I’d last seen him, his presence somehow filling the church. Flynn hadn’t seen me. His eyes were on his sister beside him. She said something and he spoke back, squeezing her hand. He looked over his shoulder at the two other girls. I could see Caitlin nodding as she took her position behind Siobhan. The priest was with them now. The congregation was instructed to stand and, a moment later, the wedding group set off up the aisle.

  I turned away, my heart beating fast, and bent my head over my order of service sheet. I felt faint. Giddy. I knew my face was as red as my dress.

  He was here. About to pass me. I kept my head down. The music soared through a couple of chords. Then I heard the swish of silk and glanced sideways. Siobhan was walking by. Flynn was on her other side, looking across the pews nearest him. They walked to the front of the church. As they reached the altar, the music stopped. I realised I was still holding my breath and breathed in quickly, letting the air out in a shaky sigh. Beside me, Michael shuffled from side to side.

  I stared at the back of Flynn’s head. His dark hair was slicked back, the ends lost against the collar of the dark suit. It fitted him exactly. The older bridesmaid adjusted the long train on Siobhan’s wedding dress. Flynn turned and smiled at her, then gave Caitlin an encouraging nod. He scanned the aisles swiftly, as if looking for something, then turned to face the front. Gary took his place beside Siobhan and she let go of Flynn’s hand. The priest started speaking.

  I didn’t hear a word.

  All I could hear was the sound of my own heart pounding away. A minute or two passed and Flynn and the bridesmaids sat down. Flynn was on the edge of the front row, next to his mother.

  He turned around again, his eyes flickering over the people behind him, as if searching for something again. I watched his face, recognising the intense expression, the shape of his lips. It was as if no time had passed since I’d seen him. He seemed as familiar to me as my own reflection in the mirror.

  And then his eyes met mine and he stopped gazing around and just stared at me.

  So I was what he had been looking for. My heart felt so full that I thought it might burst, my blood like thunder against my temples.

  He looked and he looked at me. I couldn’t tear my eyes away. I had thought that after the first few dead, dark months without Flynn, my existence was more or less back to normal. But now I realised that the recent months had been dull and washed-out and that only here and now, with Flynn, was the world bursting into glorious technicolour again, everything exploding with life.

  A terrible fear rose up inside me. Who had I been kidding, thinking seeing Flynn would give me closure? All I wanted was to hold him, to have him hold me, to kiss me.

  I forced myself to look down. I counted to thirty. Slowly. When I looked up Flynn had turned to face the front again. Siobhan and Gary were taking their vows. Then the dark-haired bridesmaid read a poem. The priest spoke. Caitlin fidgeted. Flynn’s mother wiped a tear from her eyes. Flynn put his arm around her. He didn’t look around again, but I could see there was a new self-consciousness in the way he was holding himself, like he sensed I was watching him.

  I felt like crying. Dad and Grace and everyone else had been right – I was back where I had been months ago, in agony. I shouldn’t have come. I glanced at Michael. He had folded his order of service into a paper animal with four legs. He looked bored. I was sure he wouldn’t mind if I asked him to leave.

  I gulped. I couldn’t just walk out in the middle of the actual wedding. But as soon as it was over, we would go. Never mind the party afterwards. I needed to get away as soon as possible.

  The service was coming to an end. Siobhan and Gary were pronounced man and wife. There was a short pause while they signed the register, then the organ struck up again and the two of them came back down the aisle, arms linked, matching smiles on their faces.

  Flynn followed behind. He was charting and laughing with the twenty-something brid
esmaid. Was that his girlfriend? Hot, angry jealousy filled me to the tips of my fingers. I tore my gaze away, staring down at my shoes.

  As Flynn passed I could feel he was looking at me again, but I forced myself to keep my eyes on the floor.

  The organ music finished and the guests headed out of the church. I turned to Michael.

  ‘I . . . I’d like to leave now,’ I said.

  ‘You mean go home?’ Michael frowned. ‘What about the party?’ he said.

  ‘I’m not feeling well,’ I lied.

  Michael nodded, his trusting face filling with concern. ‘It’s really hot in here. Why don’t we go outside for a moment, see if that helps you feel better?’

  We headed outside. The sun was high and bright in a clear blue sky, the air warmer than when we’d gone into the church. I kept my gaze down, hanging back by the church wall. Michael disappeared to find the toilets, saying that if I wasn’t feeling better when he came back we should call my dad to come and pick us up.

  I closed my eyes letting the sun warm my face. It had been such a mistake to come here. What had I been thinking? Flynn was with someone else. He might still throw me an intense stare but that was probably just curiosity. Or boredom.

  ‘River?’

  My heart jumped into my throat. I opened my eyes. Flynn was standing in front of me. His green-gold eyes were almost emerald in the sunshine. There was a small scar by his top lip. He was looking down at me with a softness in his gaze that made my stomach flip over and over.

  ‘Hi there.’ The words came out all strangled: ‘hghnn’.

  Flynn smiled, a slow, easy grin. My insides melted. No, this was awful. Everything I had ever felt for him was flooding back.

  ‘I’m so glad you came,’ he said softly. ‘I told Siob she had to invite you.’ He paused. ‘You look the same, only better.’

  I stared up at his face. There were fine lines around his eyes that hadn’t been there before. His face was slightly thinner too. My head spun.